Sages through the ages have warned about Shakespeare’s monster, pondered its genesis. Milton in Paradise Lost credits “The infernal serpent; he it was, whose guile stirred up with envy and revenge, deceived the mother of mankind.” Solomon said envy “rots the bones” (Proverbs 14:30). James (New Testament) linked “bitter envy” and “selfish ambition,” noting they are “unspiritual, demonic,” leading to “disorder and every evil practice.”
If you don’t buy the concept of sin (envy, per Roman Catholic theology, is a cardinal or capital sin along with pride, greed, lust, anger, gluttony, and laziness), philosophers, essayists, and psychologists have also described the toxic, binding nature of envy:
Ivan Illich declared: “In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves: the prisoners of addictions and the prisoners of envy.”
Doris Lessing detailed envy as a “poisonous circle of hate, excluding everything but itself, ascribing merit only to itself” while reflecting in African Laughter on those who execute “the revenge of the second-rate” on first-rate writers.
Mental health gurus cite envy as a destructive emotion that can generate depression and anxiety. They link envy to underlying hurt and insecurity. The National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine (nicabm.com) in the course “How to Ease Damaging Patterns of Jealousy and Envy” offers this insight: childhood wounds can generate envy though many are unaware of the connection between the two.
I am enviably (!) free of childhood wounds but I continue to learn from those seeking healing from such and to honor all who embrace that rigorous journey. My wounds came later (mentioned elsewhere), generating the search for a salve and understanding of the wounders. A recent re-encounter with envy-related maliciousness, however, threatened my peace. How do we deal with this universal challenge?
This is what I’ve learned:
We can’t fight envy with logic/persuasion. “Envy is insatiable,” wrote C.S. Lewis: “The more you concede to it the more it will demand. No attitude of humility which you can possibly adopt will propitiate [one] with an inferiority complex.”
Sometimes fleeing is the best response to envy. Life is short; we are to thrive! Seek different friends/colleagues, different work, where feasible. If struggling with envious siblings, create “family” among those unthreatened by your strengths and gifts.
Finding freedom from envy is a worthy goal, and it cuts both ways. Deborah Tannen in You Were Always Mom’s Favorite instructs the envious: “If you feel small next to [someone], get bigger!” As for the envied, compassion for the hurts and insecurities that generate envy can ease the pain of being attacked…and quash the temptation to counter attack.
Attackers appear mean and petty as they attempt to diminish others. I’ve noticed this among journalists on Twitter…so many competing for readers, attention, often picking at one another. Hooray for those who demonstrate both confidence and humility, who offer civil, supportable critiques rather than cheap, snide put downs.
How can we as parents, mentors, or teachers help envy-proof our children? My suggestions:
1. Affirm, nurture, and celebrate their unique gifts and strengths while partnering any weaknesses or struggles.
2. Model gratitude for and contentment with what you have/who you are and encourage them to do the same.
3. Limit their time on social media and counter messages promoting the lie that one’s worth is dependent on having more (things, beauty, friends, influence, recognition).
I dedicate this post to my two sons who hope to be parents one day…
