More on Messy Lives: Bandaids vs Deeper Healing

Women's shelter director Dorothy and husband Eduardo

"AA is a bandaid," declares my new colleague, director of a shelter for women struggling with
addictions and abuse, "but it does not heal deeper pains."  I agree with her and mention an article published March 25, 2014, in The Atlantic: The Surprising Failures of 12 Steps (Jake Flanagin).

Many dedicated people have helped others through 12-step programs, and when there is not much else available, what's to be done?  Thoughts on that below.  But, as a psychiatric nurse--educated to understand the impact of trauma on behavior--I cringe when I read steps 4-6, which refer to "wrongs, defects of character, and shortcomings." Talk about adding insult to injury!

We've known for some time that addictions are not the result of character defects.  Drug addictions often develop as people in pain try to ease the pain that may be linked to emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, domestic violence, abandonment or neglect, substance dependence or mental illness in a parent, or death of a parent.

Children can thrive when parents' deep hurts are healed

Substance dependence is just one of many potential long-term effects of unresolved
adverse childhood experiences.  Others include depression, anxiety, poor self-esteem, excessive anger, and shame.  These issues can negatively impact relationships with partners and children.  And thus, sadly, the pain is often carried forward into the next generation.  But there is hope for healing!

One of the best books I've read in recent years is Parenting from the Inside Out:  How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive (Siegel & Hartzell, 2003).  The authors offer both hope and caution:  "If you had a difficult childhood but have come to make sense of those experiences, you are not bound to re-create the same negative interactions with your own children. Without such self-understanding, however, science has shown that history will likely repeat itself, as negative patterns of family interactions are passed down through the generations."

We must be about the business of helping ourselves, our friends and family members, and those beyond our own circle who struggle with deep pain.  The parenting book offers so much insight and encouragement!  We can also encourage our churches and/or local schools to offer trauma-informed help to those in need.  So many people who engage in risky behaviors or make seemingly "bad choices" in life are trying to cope with pain.  They need our understanding rather than our judgment.

Baja California, Mexico